I put mayonnaise on everything. On a really hot day, even.

On a school field trip I brought my mayonnaise. All the children didn't know why. I don't know why.

They said, "don't eat that mayo" (sometimes mayonnaise is called "mayo", but that is lazy and not good enough). They said, "it will make you fatter".

I didn't care. I ate the mayo. I tried it on chocolate cake, but it was nott good, so I don't eat chocolate cake.

On the train, they say "clean up that mayo that you spilled", and I do because I am not a lazy member of society.

Though my parents were concerned, when I was little (I am old now), and they cut of my supply of mayonnaise. I cried and refused to eat. They were glad because I stopped being fat (my mom hugged my ada for the first time in their relationship that I can remember).

In collge, the cool kids smeared my own mayonnaise on my own glasses. I cried, but I had my mayonnaise and I got fat again.

I'm not telling you this story for pity. I don't want you to cry.

When mayonnaise is on sale, I stock up on it. I put it in my closet, in my laundry hamper, in my car so I have it. I don't go to work because I can work from home, but sometimes I take my car other places!

I use mayonnaise sexually. (I wasn't going to put this part, but I had to because).

If you put mayonnaise inside a sock it will make a mess, but you can have your way with it. I ONLY DO THIS IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE I AM NOT A MESSY PERSON.

On the go I can use a condom and an old flashlight, because I am very careful.

The one time I had a woman at the ready for sex, I took out my mayonnaise. She was fat too, so she thought it was a snack. She ate it before I could apply it to her sexual region.

Now I am 32 years old, and I have a very clean apartment. When you think that fat people are gross, remember me.